The plan was simple. Sit down for a 10-minute meditation followed by a trip to the coffee shop to pound out a super inspirational newsletter to promote Embody Teacher Training.
Yes, I said pound. Because that’s what it feels like when I force creativity. Here’s the thing with my soul. She (he/they/it?) is a TOTAL rebelle. She hates being told what to do and how to feel and she has a special disgust for promotional schedules.
So I sat down and started my meditation so I could make sure to get this writing done before my 11:30 call with my assistant.
I worked my way up my chakras and when I hit my throat chakra, the tears start streaming and I realized that what was true for me was the blockage in my throat chakra which was directly connected to deep heartache and trauma.
For the last week, I was suffering from debilitating neck and throat pain that has just started to subside and move out of my system. It came at the tail end of yet another expansion into love followed by an epic crash into contraction.
When I sat down, to my surprise, instead of the vision of calling in all the women into my new circle of teacher training (again “the plan”)…. came a vision of me finally telling the men in my life all the things that I have never had the courage to say.
It took 3 rounds of the meditation and half a box of tissues to clear my throat chakra.
I can only write about what’s true for me in the moment and so I decided to break my silence. Because this blockage was stopping me from being able to truly access my full embodied power.
And isn’t that what I teach?
I’m so tired of trying to follow the plan. My soul dies a little everytime. In a world that asks you for scheduled posts, to stick to your promotional schedules and to enroll a program using aggressive patriarchal sales tactics, the BIGGEST revolutionary act is to follow your instincts and embody your truth.
So I’m sharing with you my FULL BODY TRUTH TODAY… the letter I wrote after the meditation.
(And if you want to work with me, you know where to find me.)
* My apology to myself & to all the men in my life *
I love you but I will no longer stay quiet.
I love you but I will no longer keep the peace.
I love you but I will no longer shrink myself.
I will no longer abandon my instincts for your words.
I will no longer stand by and watch you sit in your mediocrity.
I will no longer nod politely when you passive aggressively mock my magic.
I will no longer twist myself into crazy positions to try and see your perspective.
I will no longer laugh off your misogynist words.
I will no longer play stupid when your hand “mistakenly” touches my ass at the office.
I will no longer stay on a project, no matter how important it is for my career when you claim you want to “punch me in my c**t” because I’m doing my job well.
I will no longer doubt myself when you gaslight me and call me emotionally abusive.
I will no longer allow my resentment of your mediocrity to fester in my system.
I will no longer give you full access to my heart just because I have love to give.
I will no longer offer my body as a place for you to figure out your own shit.
I will no longer walk on eggshells when you’re swimming in your pool of unresolved mother wounds.
I will no longer settle for the excuses of why you couldn’t show up.
I will no longer accept anything but everything.
Let me be clear. I am not here to shame you or to shame me. I am not here to point out all the places we didn’t do it right. I am not here to plaster my own self-hatred onto you. I am not here to man-bash.
I am here because I stand for love.
I love you.
I love me.
And for the longest time, I’ve tried to figure out how to love us both.
And it never worked.
All I knew was to hide myself to please you.
All I knew was to blame myself when you shut the door and blocked me out every time I had feelings.
All I knew was to get really fucking quiet and sink into my own shame.
For so many of us, as infant girls, we were taught that the only way we would survive was to earn the love of our father. And boy did that come with lots of stipulations, expectations, and squashing of our feminine essence.
We had to armor our hearts with thick protection shields.
We had to trade our pleasure & sensuality for brains & credibility.
We had to tame the tides of our emotions for a still lake of reason.
We had to stifle our voices to champion our men’s voices.
We had to love them more than we could love ourselves.
Because our SURVIVAL depended on it.
Well, I’m a grown ass woman now. And I make my own money. And it’s 2018. So my survival does NOT depend on your love. It depends on my own love.
So here I am, naked, and I’m taking responsibility for all the ways I didn’t show up.
I’m sorry I didn’t speak my truth.
I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I didn’t feel safe.
I’m sorry I didn’t show you my deep hurt about you not showing up for me.
I’m sorry I didn’t create clear boundaries.
I’m sorry I didn’t take responsibility for my own pleasure every day.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I needed to feel pleasure.
I’m sorry I secretly judged your lack of purpose.
And I’m sorry I didn’t champion your potential by staying silent.
I’m sorry I didn’t know how to find my own body’s YESES and NOS.
And I’m sorry I didn’t champion my own sovereignty.
I’m sorry I showed up meek, weak and accepted your truth over mine.
I’m sorry I didn’t show you all of me.
I’m sorry I didn’t celebrate my glorious range.
I’m sorry I shamed my emotionality.
I’m sorry I pretended I was a shallow pond when I’m an ocean of depth.
I’m sorry I pretended that the only weather in my system is a sunny SoCal day when I’m also a tornado of feminine power & pain.
I’m sorry I hated you for not seeing me when I didn’t show myself.
I’m sorry I loved you the only way I knew how, with stipulations, conditions, expectations and then ultimately disappointments.
I’m sorry I decided you abandoned me when I had simply abandoned myself.
I’m sorry I decided you failed me when I failed myself.
I’m sorry I didn’t know how to love you better.
I’m sorry I didn’t know how to love myself better.
And so it is.
(My 3 meditations and this entire piece was written to the Chattra Chakkra Vartee mantra.)
“Chattr Chakkr Vartee is the mantra for the heart center, it gives direct energy to it. When you are sinking, if you know this mantra and can sing it, you can totally recuperate yourself.” — Yogi Bhajan