The plan was simple. Sit down for a 10-minute meditation followed by a trip to the coffee shop to pound out a super inspirational newsletter to promote Embody Teacher Training.
Yes, I said pound. Because that’s what it feels like when I force creativity. Here’s the thing with my soul. She (he/they/it?) is a TOTAL rebelle. She hates being told what to do and how to feel and she has a special disgust for promotional schedules.
So I sat down and started my meditation so I could make sure to get this writing done before my 11:30 call with my assistant.
I worked my way up my chakras and when I hit my throat chakra, the tears start streaming and I realized that what was true for me was the blockage in my throat chakra which was directly connected to deep heartache and trauma.
For the last week, I was suffering from debilitating neck and throat pain that has just started to subside and move out of my system. It came at the tail end of yet another expansion into love followed by an epic crash into contraction.
When I sat down, to my surprise, instead of the vision of calling in all the women into my new circle of teacher training (again “the plan”)…. came a vision of me finally telling the men in my life all the things that I have never had the courage to say.
It took 3 rounds of the meditation and half a box of tissues to clear my throat chakra.
I can only write about what’s true for me in the moment and so I decided to break my silence. Because this blockage was stopping me from being able to truly access my full embodied power.
And isn’t that what I teach?
I’m so tired of trying to follow the plan. My soul dies a little everytime. In a world that asks you for scheduled posts, to stick to your promotional schedules and to enroll a program using aggressive patriarchal sales tactics, the BIGGEST revolutionary act is to follow your instincts and embody your truth.
So I’m sharing with you my FULL BODY TRUTH TODAY… the letter I wrote after the meditation.
(And if you want to work with me, you know where to find me.)
* My apology to myself & to all the men in my life *
I love you but I will no longer stay quiet.
I love you but I will no longer keep the peace.
I love you but I will no longer shrink myself.
I will no longer abandon my instincts for your words.
I will no longer stand by and watch you sit in your mediocrity.
I will no longer nod politely when you passive aggressively mock my magic.
I will no longer twist myself into crazy positions to try and see your perspective.
I will no longer laugh off your misogynist words.
I will no longer play stupid when your hand “mistakenly” touches my ass at the office.
I will no longer stay on a project, no matter how important it is for my career when you claim you want to “punch me in my c**t” because I’m doing my job well.
I will no longer doubt myself when you gaslight me and call me emotionally abusive.
I will no longer allow my resentment of your mediocrity to fester in my system.
I will no longer give you full access to my heart just because I have love to give.
I will no longer offer my body as a place for you to figure out your own shit.
I will no longer walk on eggshells when you’re swimming in your pool of unresolved mother wounds.
I will no longer settle for the excuses of why you couldn’t show up.
I will no longer accept anything but everything.
Let me be clear. I am not here to shame you or to shame me. I am not here to point out all the places we didn’t do it right. I am not here to plaster my own self-hatred onto you. I am not here to man-bash.
I am here because I stand for love.
I love you.
I love me.
And for the longest time, I’ve tried to figure out how to love us both.
And it never worked.
All I knew was to hide myself to please you.
All I knew was to blame myself when you shut the door and blocked me out every time I had feelings.
All I knew was to get really fucking quiet and sink into my own shame.
For so many of us, as infant girls, we were taught that the only way we would survive was to earn the love of our father. And boy did that come with lots of stipulations, expectations, and squashing of our feminine essence.
We had to armor our hearts with thick protection shields.
We had to trade our pleasure & sensuality for brains & credibility.
We had to tame the tides of our emotions for a still lake of reason.
We had to stifle our voices to champion our men’s voices.
We had to love them more than we could love ourselves.
Because our SURVIVAL depended on it.
Well, I’m a grown ass woman now. And I make my own money. And it’s 2018. So my survival does NOT depend on your love. It depends on my own love.
So here I am, naked, and I’m taking responsibility for all the ways I didn’t show up.
I’m sorry I didn’t speak my truth.
I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I didn’t feel safe.
I’m sorry I didn’t show you my deep hurt about you not showing up for me.
I’m sorry I didn’t create clear boundaries.
I’m sorry I didn’t take responsibility for my own pleasure every day.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I needed to feel pleasure.
I’m sorry I secretly judged your lack of purpose.
And I’m sorry I didn’t champion your potential by staying silent.
I’m sorry I didn’t know how to find my own body’s YESES and NOS.
And I’m sorry I didn’t champion my own sovereignty.
I’m sorry I showed up meek, weak and accepted your truth over mine.
I’m sorry I didn’t show you all of me.
I’m sorry I didn’t celebrate my glorious range.
I’m sorry I shamed my emotionality.
I’m sorry I pretended I was a shallow pond when I’m an ocean of depth.
I’m sorry I pretended that the only weather in my system is a sunny SoCal day when I’m also a tornado of feminine power & pain.
I’m sorry I hated you for not seeing me when I didn’t show myself.
I’m sorry I loved you the only way I knew how, with stipulations, conditions, expectations and then ultimately disappointments.
I’m sorry I decided you abandoned me when I had simply abandoned myself.
I’m sorry I decided you failed me when I failed myself.
I’m sorry I didn’t know how to love you better.
I’m sorry I didn’t know how to love myself better.
And so it is.
(My 3 meditations and this entire piece was written to the Chattra Chakkra Vartee mantra.)
“Chattr Chakkr Vartee is the mantra for the heart center, it gives direct energy to it. When you are sinking, if you know this mantra and can sing it, you can totally recuperate yourself.” — Yogi Bhajan
Here is a link to the song version I was playing & I love.
Each month we will be highlighting a member of our Embody Teaching Team. This month, we are featuring Camila Marquez. Camila is the priestess of the next generation. Her mystical presence is amplified by her inclusive lens and magical sensuality. Class with her is divine. Go dance with her!
Camila is a life coach for changemakers, adventurer, storyteller, + creatrix who works at the intersection of creativity + social change. She holds a BA from Cornell University in Human Development //Africana Studies // Latino Studies and an MA from The Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy in Gender Analysis in International Relations // Business for Social Impact.
Camila has been involved in the change-making sphere for over a decade working with organizations like Free The Children, PeaceJam, Love 146, Creativity for Peace, and Big Brothers Big Sisters. Camila has seen the transformative power of dance as a tool for connection + empowerment and loves bringing Embody to Santa Fe, NM!
Get info on her upcoming class here!
It seems to have been divinely orchestrated that I rear my head via blog today right on the summer solstice – the day the earth is most directly in line with the sun – ready to shine light on the liberation of our bodies.
It definitely wasn’t planned.
Neither was the fact that I opened Apple music and decided to randomly look up Christina Aguilera. Turns out she released a new album a few days ago called LIBERATION. And I intuitively chose the first song and decided to dance to it without listening to it.
This, by the way, is one of my favorite practices because similar to a new lover, discovering a song for the first time from a connected & embodied place can be magical and holds all sorts of surprises.
You can watch it here.
And OH MY goddess, did Christina have some goodness for me this morning!
I decided to do this because I’ve just come back from a month where I spent a lot of time in other people’s spaces. And I’m learning more and more that as a Human Design Projector (with no authority apparently), I have a tendency to lose myself in other people. And therefore, a really key practice for me is to take time to anchor back into me. To pull my energy back into my system, to feel the boundary of my own body, to feel the sensation of my fingertips on my skin and to tap back into my essence and my power.
But here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter whether you are a projector or not, we all tend to leak our power and lose ourselves to the world around us. Whether it’s our own “shoulds”, our families’ needs or our business’ needs – often times, we walk around not truly connected to our own experience.
We are asked to perform, to push through, to overempathize, to sacrifice and to put aside our own needs to show up for something. We wake up and go straight to DOING, instead of making space for FEELING, for being and for connecting.
It’s been 6 months since I invited you to issue yourself a permission slip. And I’m back today as a friendly reminder.
If you’re feeling exhausted by the news,
small in the scheme of the big changes the world is asking of us,
powerless in the face of the patriarchy
and heartbroken by the senselessness of what is unfolding in the world, come back to you.
Come back to your touch. Come back to your body. Come back to your being.
After hundreds of years where women’s bodies & gifts were shunned, punished and looked down upon, we now suffer from our own internalized patriarchy which shows up first and foremost in our DISTRUST and DISCONNECTION from our bodies.
So when we decide to nourish our bodies with healthy foods. When we decide to start each day with a few minutes of sensual self-touch. When we choose to listen and learn our body’s language. When we choose to plant the seeds of safety in our nervous system. When we choose to awaken our inner Aphrodite. When we choose to embody our own ecstasy, that is when we little by little, moment by moment we are reclaiming our power and stripping the patriarchy of its stronghold over us.
Eating a peach slowly is a revolutionary act.
Self-pleasuring is a revolutionary act.
Dancing is a revolutionary act.
Feeling is a revolutionary act.
Trusting your intuition is a revolutionary act.
Embodiment is what will resource us through the heartbreak.
Embodiment is what will deepen our strength.
Embodiment is what will set us free.
This year has been the deepest initiation of my life. I’ve loved and lost and leaped more than all 35 years of my life combined. I’ve expanded my capacity to hold pain & heartbreak in my body. I’ve stretched myself into a resilience dance I did not know was possible.
And so I’m ready to take my mission of embodied power & sensual nourishment to the next level.
I’m ready to hold space for womxn who are rocking their life and kicking ass and want to stretch their own capacity to be with all of it, to feel all of it…
…the light AND the dark, the playful & the painful, the wonder & the weeping.
What I do best is creating a safe space for you to look at what might still be holding you back from liberating yourself into embodied power.
What I do best is curating sensual experiences that nourish & feed your soul like no spa day ever will.
What I do best is train you to stretch into being the leader that can give that back to other women.
This is an expanded & upgraded curriculum of Embody Teacher Training with more tools, more personal embodiment exercises,and more resources than ever before.
I’m also giddy with excitement to bring you Guest Teachers Nisha Moodley, Alexandra Jamieson & Rachael Maddox teaching on Embodied Leadership, Body Image & Desire, and Healing Trauma.
With a virtual retreat to kick us off.
With a sister support system to elevate you.
With coaching calls with me to expand your understanding of the program.
With a 3 day in-person retreat in sunny San Diego.
And as always, customized personal feedback from me on all your training.
“If you’ve got a fire in your veins and you weren’t made to fall in line” (thanks
Christina!) and you are ready to liberate yourself and your own community from
the shackles of your “shoulds”, from the restraints of the reactions, from the
power of the patriarchy – then apply here.
This program is specifically designed for leaders.
This is not for anyone who requires constant accountability. This is not for anyone who is not ready to stretch themselves. This is not for anyone who isn’t 100% a hell yeah to the belief that EMBODIMENT WILL SET US FREE.
If now is the time, I look forward to connecting with you.
Step 1 is filling out this application.
And if you’re ready to embark on embodiment but not ready to train as a teacher, you are always welcome to book a coaching exploration session with me instead.
Cheers to our liberation, our leadership, and our love.
Let our hearts shine brightly today and always.