In the last few days, I’ve been swimming through a new reality.
A reality filled with open declarations of my deepest desires.
And it’s been WORKING me like nothing else ever has…
You’d think after the six months I had, this part would be easy. This part would be fun.
I get to daydream. I get to revel in opportunities. I get to be the creatrix of a new way of being.
And it is honest to God the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done.
Who knew that owning your deepest desires could crack you open to a level of vulnerability you didn’t think was possible?
What we desire shapes our identity – who we are perceived as and who we perceive ourselves as.
I’ve always identified as the wild child, the New Yorker, the party-girl, the trouble-maker, the rule-breaker, the warrior.
The girl that’s the life of the party.
The daredevil.
The fun girlfriend that everyone wants to be with because she is literally up for anything.
She loves getting pizza at 3am, doing things no one else dares to do, living in a city with museums and shows and secret dungeons.
She needs constant stimulation, sounds, and sexy adventures.
This girl is strong and stubborn and perseveres.
She is unfazed and stoic and does not give her heart to anyone. Ever.
This girl is not me anymore.
On Friday, I declared to a table of strangers/new-best-friends that my heart’s deepest desire was to be in partnership with someone who wanted to raise a human with me. And that I want to be someone’s special person. #TERROR
And all weekend, I wept as I sat in the vulnerability hangover of saying it out loud.
The ex-party girl felt uncool and shamed. Not by anyone at the table. But by me. I could literally hear my own inner critic voice saying “No one wants that version of you.”
Which brings me to the hardest part of all of this:
The realization that I was always loved for being a CERTAIN part of me. The cool girl. The boundary-pushing woman. The up-for-anything chick.
Now, this part of me wasn’t a lie. I DO have an incredibly adventurous and rebellious side. I love spontaneity and have a zest for life that blows me away sometimes.
But this was a morphed, dysfunctional version of me. She took over my entire being. She ran the show. Because I learned early on that she gave me the leg up. She gave me the attention, the love and the admiration I unconsciously craved.
She also had zero boundaries. And she was deeply disconnected from her heart’s desires. She was a closeted people-pleaser (hiding behind a wildly free and independent girl) who would bend over backward to make sure everyone else around her was entertained and happy.
I went into my last relationship as that girl. And during those four years began to find my whole self with the help of many coaches and my ultimate teacher, my partner. I had one foot in my old reality and the other in my new desire.
But I wasn’t ready to fully declare my desires for something different – for a new chapter filled with space, simplicity and the cliché dream of a partner, a child, and a dog. Because I was terrified at the possibility of him not meeting me there.
So for four years, I negotiated and gave excuses and made up stories. I didn’t want to be pushy. I didn’t want to be boring. I didn’t want to be the nagging girlfriend.
In addition, I had a love coach who kept convincing me that the only way the relationship would work was if my desire for him surpassed my desire for a child. And so every day I would wake up and do my best to show him that I loved him irrespective of whether he wanted a child with me. And in doing that, my people-pleaser took over again and my desires were put on pause.
And so here I am, in a new chapter, where my work is to say out loud (even though I feel like I’m dying EVERY freakin’ time) what my desires actually are.
…Even though they might be perceived as ordinary and cliché and possibly “boring”. But they are my truth. And they are a reminder that I can and WILL be loved in my wholeness. Not just for being the last girl at the party.
So I want to know from you…
What deep desires have you not admitted to yourself or the world yet? What fear do you have about being perceived a certain way if you were to declare those desires?
What story is dictating your identity and keeping you from owning your full range?
Here is our Collective Mantra:
I am a Sensual Siren. I am also a Goddess of Love.
I am a Warrior Queen. I am also a Dreamer.
I am a Playful Little Girl. I am also the Great Mother.
I am Mary Magdalene. I am also Virgin Mary.
We get to be it all.
We must embrace it. Own it. We must let it work us. Because this is where the change happens.
We are dismantling a system that perceives us as this or that, as Virgin Mary or Mary Magdalene, as party girlfriend or wife material.
Don’t deprive yourself of it even if the world isn’t ready yet. Let’s set a new standard for wholeness, for truth and for authenticity.