“What do I need to know?” I asked her.
Step by step, with pebbles crunching under my feet, I walked the labyrinth. Hearing only the inhale and exhale of my own being. The reminder that I was here, now.
And that I had no fucking clue where I was going.
How perfectly timed, this little game with the universe. Moment by moment, I took in. Each step like a polaroid snapshot. And as I let myself swirl through the winding path, all I saw was the next turn. And all I heard was NOTHING.
And so I patiently asked again:
“What do I need to know?”
And so again, I came back to my breath.
In. Out.
Take. Give.
In my nose. Out my mouth.
Until my presence was paired back to each step.
And right when I felt myself emptying out that last static thought,
I heard something.
It was staticky, too. But just clear enough for me to make it out.
“Let go of your constant need for answers.”
And just like any truth, when it’s muttered, no matter how small of a whisper, it leans in and gracefully opens your tear ducts, welcoming in a rush of rawness in the form of salty springs straight from your soul.
This was what happened to me during the closing ceremony I had with my sister circle led by our mentor Nisha Moodley in Maui last week.
We all walked a beautiful labyrinth on the property we were at, filed in a perfectly imperfect line of inquiry. Each one of us praying for more clarity and asking for an answer. And this is what I got: “Stop asking for an answer, Nadia.”
I could have been so annoyed about that. I could have gotten SUPER in my head about it.
I can just hear whiny 5 year old Nadia throwing a temper tantrum. That’s not FAAAAIIIIIIR, I DESERVE AN ANSWER!
But when truth strikes, it opens your heart and your head has no choice but to take a back seat. When we entered back into our workshop space, Nisha was playing “Let it be” – yet another confirmation that my old anal plan A/plan B/plan C persona had to take a vacation if I want to learn the lessons I needed at this point in my path.
I needed to just let it be.
I stand humbly in front of you. You are part of a tribe of beautiful women who have been called here. Whether you’re looking for more pleasure, more nourishment or more connection to yourself and the feminine around you, I am here to offer my heart to you. Whether you know me from Pleasure Playgrounds or 1:1 coaching or just this online tribe, know that I am here because I am fiercely and passionately devoted to the cultivation of connection to our feminine.
And this means a continuous re-routing.. A continuous daily practice of surrender to whatever flow is pulling you in a certain direction. A devotion to walking the labyrinth of life and humbling asking “what do I need to know” and turning each corner not knowing what lies next.
I am a stubborn mofo. I do not surrender easily. I was taught that it is only ok to have a Plan A/B/C and D or else you are silly and unprepared for life. This has been one of my biggest challenges. But daily, I work (and many times battle) to not let my head take over the desires of my heart. And to let myself flow in and out of the pull, the call to something I don’t yet truly understand.
If you’re nodding your head going like “yep, that’s me”, then I offer you this. I did not learn to surrender using my mind. I had to wire it into my body. Here are some tools that helped me cultivate the muscle of releasing control:
1) Start a stillness meditation practice.
It started with only 2 minutes a day. But I would check in with my heart everyday and I would empty my being so I could receive. To read more about how I did this, you can check out my post: How Meditation is like an Etch-a-Sketch.
2) Start a moving meditation practice.
Whether it’s Sfactor, a 5 minute heart opening practice at home or going to ecstatic dance class (like the one I teach in NY, details here), I would find a way to connect to my body and let her lead within a container that felt safe.
Here is an at-home video I made of the practice that I find very soothing.
3) Let yourself be held. Physically. Whether it’s my partner or a sister or the earth, I let myself completely lean into their arms and feel held. Most of us just want to feel held. And when we feel it, we can really sigh into surrender. But the only way we can rewire our nervous system is to actually simulate a consistent feeling of being held, whether that’s 10 mins in savasna or 2 min in a hug. Create this experience for yourself, your body deserves it.
I came into this world through holistic health because I truly believe that learning to nourish your body is the first step to removing the static you need to hear your own body voice, your own soul’s voice. And I’m here because I want you to feel as deeply nourished and held as you can possibly be. I want your capacity to feel nourished and held to EXPAND even more than you thought was possible. And I myself want to expand that capacity in me as well.
So, come and be held. By me. By your fellow sisters in this tribe. Ask for what you need by leaving a comment here, emailing me directly here (nadia@nadiamunla.com) or joining our NY group moving meditation, The Pleasure Playground, this Sunday here.)